Connecting in Conflict

Finding connection where it seams the least possible

This is a story is about CONNECTING in CONFLICT with my daughter. Using the tools of Nonviolent Communication (NVC), more than a tool for me NVC is a way of living.

NVC works not only with children but with all human-beings (including in the communication with myself ! )

It works to create a connection to get back in a natural flow of giving and receiving where everybody’s needs are considered and aimed to be met.

I'm with my two kids Zaya (3 years old) and Ronja (1 year old). We are going outside, me and Ronja are all dressed up, it's cold outside so we are wearing our jacket, shoes, scarf, head, gloves.

Zaya is almost ready dressing up and than suddenly she takes everything out while screaming and crying and saying:

"I don't want to go outside anymore." I feel annoyance arises in me; we are just ready to go out, that morning we had spend half an hour dressing her up from her pyjamas to her clothes. I breath a few times to connect to what is going on in me, to create space to be able to hear her, when I know what is important for me I have space to shift my focus to her:

"Do you feel irritated? Are the clothes not comfortable?"

"Yes! They are not comfortable!" She shouts and she keeps crying.

"Is it the edges and the layers that gives you irritation."

“Yes! I want to stay inside. " "Do you want to stay warm and comfortable."

"Yes!" I express that I want to go outside. Ronja and me are just prepared to get some fresh air and get some movement and play. I ask her if she is okay if we go to the garden and leave the door open while she can stay inside? But she doesn’t want to stay inside alone. I try to ensure her that I am right there, the door is open so I can hear and I see her through the window. But she doesn't like it. She keeps saying she wants us all to stay inside.. Not knowing what to do, still inside, getting hot in my jacket, I decide to go anyway outside, in the hope that when Zaya will sees us play in the garden she will follow. But the opposite happens she cries louder and louder. I realise that she didn't yet experienced to be heard in what is important for her. I go back to her and I ask her if she wants me to hold her. She wants that. I glisten to her by guessing her feelings and needs:

“Do you feel very sad and lonely when we are outside and you are inside alone?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to be close to me?”

“Yes I want to be together and someone to care for me.”

Hearing that I can feel compassion. I want that for you my sweety! Than I express: "Me and Ronja want to get fresh air and have some play and movement. And I want care and togetherness for you. I feel a bit lost what to do. Do you have an idea?” So what I did was expressing both of our needs.

Knowing that on the level of needs are no conflicts. Needs are abstract, we can fulfil needs in 100000 ways. The conflict starts when we hold on to our strategy.

In this case: Zaya wants to stay inside to fulfil her need for comfort. I want to go out to get fresh air and movement. When we will hold on to our strategy we stay in conflict. I trust that when both of our needs are heard creativity will come. Even though on that moment I felt lost and annoyed, I couldn't come up with any strategy that would work for both. I kept breathing to connect and allow my own feelings and needs and I trusted the process:

When we connect (on the level of needs). Get out of thinking: "What to do?" Instead breath, resting in not knowing and trusting that creativity how to fulfil all needs come in a state of relaxation.'

Than Zaya said: "Do you want to carry me?"

First I thought: “NO, you are to heavy"

But than the image of the toddler carrier came to me. "Would you like to be in the big girl carrier and I carry you on my back while me and Ronja play in the garden or we make a walk?" This worked for all three of us. I was getting my need for fresh air and movement and Zaya was nourished by togetherness, care, warmth and comfort.